I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude i'm inner monologue high
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
