I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
