i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
