remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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