Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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