I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
