God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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