he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
