As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
