why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
