I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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