You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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