Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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