How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
