You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
