Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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