Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
