8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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