Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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