I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My ATM looks so different sober.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
