Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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