I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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