She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
