$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
