nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
