How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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