Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
