bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
