no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
