My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
