2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
