After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
