Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
