One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Boobs speak an international language.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
