I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
