Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
then he tried to convert me to islam
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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