how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
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He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
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we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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