So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
