Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
