a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
