I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
