sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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