i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
