I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
