i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
