i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
