i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
