he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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