gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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