I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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