Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
