my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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