there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
