I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
