how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
