ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
