Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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